4 months today. I graduated yesterday. I shed tears in the Hall thinking about you and Abah.
I still cry and sob hard when I think about You.
Will this pain ever stop?
Sayang I love You forever.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
It has been two months. Where has my soul gone?
Sayang, I miss You.
Would You please sleep with me tonight?
Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know
How can I not love you
How do I not miss you
When you are gone
Sayang, without You, I won't be where I am now
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Day My Heart Breaks Into Pieces
In my dream, Molly was sitting on my lap and my left hand was patting on her body. Her eyes were different, they were sky blue. She looked at me, only making me pull her whiskers. I kissed her nose and played with her ears.
It was so vivid I didn't want to wake up.
When I opened my eyes this morning, I felt numb. My eyes were swollen, I must be crying my heart out. My pillow was almost wet, my hair was wet. My throat sores, I stared at the ceiling for an hour before reality struck hard.
I walked downstairs, I was still looking for her in the kitchen. And in the bathroom. And I looked outside. I saw the grave.
My precious Molly has gone.
Everytime I remember those times, her smell, her purr, the times she bit our legs playfully, the way she looked at me, I feel tears running down so rapid I thought I won't be able to stop. It's almost difficult to breathe.
You won't understand how I feel right now. Unless you have a Molly at home.
She's been with us for almost 9 years, stayed beside us, always making us happy, always being the comforting one.
I never had a younger sister. When I saw her nine years ago, she was about my palm size. She was an annoying little cat. But the blue eyes were so beautiful, the white fur was awesome. She was so warm. How could a creature so small be so annoyingly adorable?
Sayang, where are You?
We took her to the vet yesterday morning. He said she was a miracle. No other cat of her age would survive this long. I told him that she has always been a miracle. She survived massive bleedings when she was a lot younger, she jumped from the window upstairs only to save her kitten, and she was a healthy and happy and loved cat for 9 years.
The truth is, Molly is our miracle. She binds our family together. She stayed at home for almost nine years. She's a part of us. She's family.
I thought I want to share few brilliant moments of Molly and the family. But it's so unfair, we have 9 years together, every single moment is brilliant. I wont do any justice to her.
I have been through breakups, demise of a parent, ups and downs, and the only one who never let me down is Molly.
The one thing that humans do and the animals won't is they let me down, they make me sad.
Animals make me feel happy. I feel instantly happy when I touch them. Molly makes me feel complete. She took my sadness away. I never had a younger sister. For years, I've been telling her stupid stories, sharing stupid remarks.
My feeling is indescribable. My heart now is so empty I have nothing to look forward to.
This loss is so hard for me,harder than every difficult times I have been through, everything put together.
Yesterday, I almost lost my soul. Molly has taken a significant part of me, a better part of me with her.
I was with her till the very end. She made sounds, I felt so scared I cannot look at her. I felt so scared I wanted to vomit.
She was still in her basket, in our car. I put my right hand on her head, I felt her shiver. She was struggling for her last breath. I squeezed her hand and I felt her squeeze back.
Then I feel nothing. She has stopped making the scary sounds. She was in her favourite sleeping position.
I squeezed her hand again. But she never squeezed back.
I felt numb, I cried so hard, I sobbed, I trembled. I knew she's gone, but I wanted to pretend that she's fallen asleep.
We buried her underneath a shady tree in our compound, in her favourite spot. She was still in her basket. Allah Taala sahaja yang tahu betapa sedihnya hati bila kena tinggalkan sesuatu yang kita sayang sepenuh hati dalam tanah. Allah sahaja yang tahu.
In my memory, Molly was sleeping peacefully and I never wanted to disturb her.
I buried my heart with her.
With the One who taught me to love, respect and protect animals.
Lost love is still love. We dance with the memory, we live with it.
Sayang, I love You forever.
I no longer feel like blogging. I am embarking a new journey tomorrow, I am taking her soul with me.
Sayang, you must be proud. I passed my SPM, I survived Abah's death, I graduated very well, I got a good job already. But then, who should I hug when I feel sad again?
When I kissed her head for the very last time, she smelled my favourite smell. She was almost warm. I was so scared thinking that I would never see her again.
This shall be my last post in nydablogs. I am closing my blog very soon.
Thank you all for the warm wishes and prayers. I feel stronger, I want to be as strong as Molly. Dear friends, I am perfectly fine, just give me some time. I know sooner or later I have to let her go. I am ready, I am just sad.
As if she was waiting for me to return from our vacation. As if she ate and drank well to survive only to be strong enough to see me home. As if she knew I would have wanted to be with her till the very end.
Sayang, sleep well.
I had fun blogging. I am sorry if you feel offended in any way.
ps, please treat animals with respect and love. Allah Taala akan balas semua perbuatan kita, InsyaAllah.
Bye all, take care.
It was so vivid I didn't want to wake up.
When I opened my eyes this morning, I felt numb. My eyes were swollen, I must be crying my heart out. My pillow was almost wet, my hair was wet. My throat sores, I stared at the ceiling for an hour before reality struck hard.
I walked downstairs, I was still looking for her in the kitchen. And in the bathroom. And I looked outside. I saw the grave.
My precious Molly has gone.
Everytime I remember those times, her smell, her purr, the times she bit our legs playfully, the way she looked at me, I feel tears running down so rapid I thought I won't be able to stop. It's almost difficult to breathe.
You won't understand how I feel right now. Unless you have a Molly at home.
She's been with us for almost 9 years, stayed beside us, always making us happy, always being the comforting one.
I never had a younger sister. When I saw her nine years ago, she was about my palm size. She was an annoying little cat. But the blue eyes were so beautiful, the white fur was awesome. She was so warm. How could a creature so small be so annoyingly adorable?
Sayang, where are You?
We took her to the vet yesterday morning. He said she was a miracle. No other cat of her age would survive this long. I told him that she has always been a miracle. She survived massive bleedings when she was a lot younger, she jumped from the window upstairs only to save her kitten, and she was a healthy and happy and loved cat for 9 years.
The truth is, Molly is our miracle. She binds our family together. She stayed at home for almost nine years. She's a part of us. She's family.
I thought I want to share few brilliant moments of Molly and the family. But it's so unfair, we have 9 years together, every single moment is brilliant. I wont do any justice to her.
I have been through breakups, demise of a parent, ups and downs, and the only one who never let me down is Molly.
The one thing that humans do and the animals won't is they let me down, they make me sad.
Animals make me feel happy. I feel instantly happy when I touch them. Molly makes me feel complete. She took my sadness away. I never had a younger sister. For years, I've been telling her stupid stories, sharing stupid remarks.
My feeling is indescribable. My heart now is so empty I have nothing to look forward to.
This loss is so hard for me,harder than every difficult times I have been through, everything put together.
Yesterday, I almost lost my soul. Molly has taken a significant part of me, a better part of me with her.
I was with her till the very end. She made sounds, I felt so scared I cannot look at her. I felt so scared I wanted to vomit.
She was still in her basket, in our car. I put my right hand on her head, I felt her shiver. She was struggling for her last breath. I squeezed her hand and I felt her squeeze back.
Then I feel nothing. She has stopped making the scary sounds. She was in her favourite sleeping position.
I squeezed her hand again. But she never squeezed back.
I felt numb, I cried so hard, I sobbed, I trembled. I knew she's gone, but I wanted to pretend that she's fallen asleep.
We buried her underneath a shady tree in our compound, in her favourite spot. She was still in her basket. Allah Taala sahaja yang tahu betapa sedihnya hati bila kena tinggalkan sesuatu yang kita sayang sepenuh hati dalam tanah. Allah sahaja yang tahu.
In my memory, Molly was sleeping peacefully and I never wanted to disturb her.
I buried my heart with her.
With the One who taught me to love, respect and protect animals.
Lost love is still love. We dance with the memory, we live with it.
Sayang, I love You forever.
I no longer feel like blogging. I am embarking a new journey tomorrow, I am taking her soul with me.
Sayang, you must be proud. I passed my SPM, I survived Abah's death, I graduated very well, I got a good job already. But then, who should I hug when I feel sad again?
When I kissed her head for the very last time, she smelled my favourite smell. She was almost warm. I was so scared thinking that I would never see her again.
This shall be my last post in nydablogs. I am closing my blog very soon.
Thank you all for the warm wishes and prayers. I feel stronger, I want to be as strong as Molly. Dear friends, I am perfectly fine, just give me some time. I know sooner or later I have to let her go. I am ready, I am just sad.
As if she was waiting for me to return from our vacation. As if she ate and drank well to survive only to be strong enough to see me home. As if she knew I would have wanted to be with her till the very end.
Sayang, sleep well.
I had fun blogging. I am sorry if you feel offended in any way.
ps, please treat animals with respect and love. Allah Taala akan balas semua perbuatan kita, InsyaAllah.
Bye all, take care.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Hi all.
My precious Molly is not feeling well. Survives without food for 6 days already. Yes, I have taken her to the vet, thank you very much for the suggestion.
I cannot give up, Molly is very strong. We have a fighter here.
Ya Allah, jangan la ambil balik Molly sekarang. Please give me some time, Amin.
I'm sorry I'm out of reach this week. Sorry for not returning your calls and sms and even if I do, I'm sorry if I sound distracted and bored. If it's really important, sms first please.
Bye and see you soon, I have to check on Molly now.
ps, Thank You Intan, Ikeen, Nurul, Azza, Aimi, Nur, Alizan, Adlina.
My precious Molly is not feeling well. Survives without food for 6 days already. Yes, I have taken her to the vet, thank you very much for the suggestion.
I cannot give up, Molly is very strong. We have a fighter here.
Ya Allah, jangan la ambil balik Molly sekarang. Please give me some time, Amin.
I'm sorry I'm out of reach this week. Sorry for not returning your calls and sms and even if I do, I'm sorry if I sound distracted and bored. If it's really important, sms first please.
Bye and see you soon, I have to check on Molly now.
ps, Thank You Intan, Ikeen, Nurul, Azza, Aimi, Nur, Alizan, Adlina.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Life.In Short.
Lost the video cam. Panicked. Shocked. Found it back. Relieved. Start working in ten days. Look forward to meeting new people. Am feeling quite nervous and a little excited actually. The trip was fine. It's not so much where you go, it's very much the people you travel with.
Am missing the good friends. The ones abroad. The ones in Malaysia. The ones working. The ones studying.
It's not over. It's never the end. It's a new phase. It's another chapter. It's still the same book with the same title. The latest edition. Same author, different characters.
Am missing the good friends. The ones abroad. The ones in Malaysia. The ones working. The ones studying.
It's not over. It's never the end. It's a new phase. It's another chapter. It's still the same book with the same title. The latest edition. Same author, different characters.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Quick Updates
Yesterday Nadia and I ronda-ronda sekitar Putrajaya nak cari rumah kosong untuk disewa. Susah siot nak cari rumah sewa. Maklumlah duduk hostel daripada zaman pre-law sampai la habis LL.B.
Rahsia tak dicampak keluar dari hostel UiTM? Of course la kena cuba menjadi pelajar yang agak aktif. UiTM di Hatiku.
Lawa la kuarters pegawai kat Putrajaya! I want! Tapi memandangkan tiada yang sesuai disewa (faktor seperti harga, saiz rumah, jenis tandas, jenis bangunan (Nadia takut tinggal kat tempat yang ada abang Bangla dan Indon) dan perangai tuan rumah), we decided to hunt (macam Edward Cullen plak to hunt) kat area Seri Kembangan pula. Nadia said ada kawan dia bagitau ada our senior nak move out, so dia tengah cari orang nak replace dia.
So we went to her place. And the seniors are Cindy and Shaneeza (I hope I spell her name correctly). Senior last batch. Quite awkward juga at first. Hehe but they were very nice, and very friendly and warm. One of the reasons why we like the house.
The house is fine, no problem with that. They are moving out sebab Shanee would continue her Masters soon. And Cindy nak pindah dengan kawan yang lain. Eh ye ke? Kang silap fakta. Hehe
So we promised them that we would discuss first and let them know soon. Very soon la kan, sebab nak start kerja dah 1 July ni. And Shanee and Cindy pun banyak share info pasal kerja kat AG. Sempat lagi bergosip UiTM sebentar. Hehe
On another note, Nurul (Huda) called me yesterday and I was very sad to know that her brother is not in his best health. She said he is confirmed Influenza H1N1 postive. If you read the newspapers, he's the Patient No.15 yang infected in Melbourne. And Nurul now together with her maid and her father are under home quarantine until next Saturday. But she said they are doing fine, it's just the precaution and stuff la kan.
Nurul, if you read this (I know you do because you said you feel so bored cannot go out from house kan hehe) I pray for Nazrin's speedy recovery. Sedih la. Out of 28 mil people in the country, one of the H1N1 patients is someone I know weh. Terkejut sangat.
Nurul, take care please. Hari tu I risau Nemo sebab cannot pee due to urinary obstruction, now I risau you and Nazrin pula. =(
And Shera sekarang dah selamat terbang ke Washington dah. Yelah Azreen, kalau bosan boleh peluk suami yer. Yang ni memang sah-sah halalan toyyiban. I dah pesan dah kat dia macam tu. Haha
Shera, I gembira I sempat jumpa you yesterday dengan Rizal. Kalau tak, I akan terkilan sampai la I jumpa you tahun depan, bersama Rizal (mungkin Azalea sekali hehe) Serius Rizal nampak muda weh. Haha Rizal, thank you sebab burn banyak CD untuk we all. Kalau rindu boleh tengok video and gamba la kan. 4 kali sebut nama Rizal. Haha
Okay bye korang!
ps, rupanya ramai juga yang baca blog I yer. Kalau boleh jangan la jumpa I dan cakap "hai Nyda you dah nak keje ke? I tau sebab I baca blog you." Hehe malu la I kan korang. Terus terfikir "sheeeet, alamak ada ke gua tertulis pasal lu dalam blog gua?" Haha
Rahsia tak dicampak keluar dari hostel UiTM? Of course la kena cuba menjadi pelajar yang agak aktif. UiTM di Hatiku.
Lawa la kuarters pegawai kat Putrajaya! I want! Tapi memandangkan tiada yang sesuai disewa (faktor seperti harga, saiz rumah, jenis tandas, jenis bangunan (Nadia takut tinggal kat tempat yang ada abang Bangla dan Indon) dan perangai tuan rumah), we decided to hunt (macam Edward Cullen plak to hunt) kat area Seri Kembangan pula. Nadia said ada kawan dia bagitau ada our senior nak move out, so dia tengah cari orang nak replace dia.
So we went to her place. And the seniors are Cindy and Shaneeza (I hope I spell her name correctly). Senior last batch. Quite awkward juga at first. Hehe but they were very nice, and very friendly and warm. One of the reasons why we like the house.
The house is fine, no problem with that. They are moving out sebab Shanee would continue her Masters soon. And Cindy nak pindah dengan kawan yang lain. Eh ye ke? Kang silap fakta. Hehe
So we promised them that we would discuss first and let them know soon. Very soon la kan, sebab nak start kerja dah 1 July ni. And Shanee and Cindy pun banyak share info pasal kerja kat AG. Sempat lagi bergosip UiTM sebentar. Hehe
On another note, Nurul (Huda) called me yesterday and I was very sad to know that her brother is not in his best health. She said he is confirmed Influenza H1N1 postive. If you read the newspapers, he's the Patient No.15 yang infected in Melbourne. And Nurul now together with her maid and her father are under home quarantine until next Saturday. But she said they are doing fine, it's just the precaution and stuff la kan.
Nurul, if you read this (I know you do because you said you feel so bored cannot go out from house kan hehe) I pray for Nazrin's speedy recovery. Sedih la. Out of 28 mil people in the country, one of the H1N1 patients is someone I know weh. Terkejut sangat.
Nurul, take care please. Hari tu I risau Nemo sebab cannot pee due to urinary obstruction, now I risau you and Nazrin pula. =(
And Shera sekarang dah selamat terbang ke Washington dah. Yelah Azreen, kalau bosan boleh peluk suami yer. Yang ni memang sah-sah halalan toyyiban. I dah pesan dah kat dia macam tu. Haha
Shera, I gembira I sempat jumpa you yesterday dengan Rizal. Kalau tak, I akan terkilan sampai la I jumpa you tahun depan, bersama Rizal (mungkin Azalea sekali hehe) Serius Rizal nampak muda weh. Haha Rizal, thank you sebab burn banyak CD untuk we all. Kalau rindu boleh tengok video and gamba la kan. 4 kali sebut nama Rizal. Haha
Okay bye korang!
ps, rupanya ramai juga yang baca blog I yer. Kalau boleh jangan la jumpa I dan cakap "hai Nyda you dah nak keje ke? I tau sebab I baca blog you." Hehe malu la I kan korang. Terus terfikir "sheeeet, alamak ada ke gua tertulis pasal lu dalam blog gua?" Haha
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Last Note before I Leave
'So long, farewell
It's hard to say Goodbye
We hate to go
And leave you all behind
Goodbye!'
Okay Azreen, Kat, Intan, Nurul, Diyana, Nisya and other pre-laws, ingat tak English Choral Speaking yang kita menang masa awal-awal masuk UiTM dulu? Rindunyaa!
Esok I'm meeting dearest Shera untuk kali terakhir sebelum dia balik Washington lusa. Sedih =((
Then, Nadia and I are going to hunt for a house to rent. Preferably kat area Putrajaya la kan.
Lusa juga I'm going for holidays! Yes, untuk pembaca bertuah, I'll buy you something yer. Small pun takpe la kan. Hehe
Rasa bebas dan gembira seperti burung. Exam dah lulus, belajar dah habis, kerja dah ada. Almost complete, Alhamdulillah!
Take care, bye!
It's hard to say Goodbye
We hate to go
And leave you all behind
Goodbye!'
Okay Azreen, Kat, Intan, Nurul, Diyana, Nisya and other pre-laws, ingat tak English Choral Speaking yang kita menang masa awal-awal masuk UiTM dulu? Rindunyaa!
Esok I'm meeting dearest Shera untuk kali terakhir sebelum dia balik Washington lusa. Sedih =((
Then, Nadia and I are going to hunt for a house to rent. Preferably kat area Putrajaya la kan.
Lusa juga I'm going for holidays! Yes, untuk pembaca bertuah, I'll buy you something yer. Small pun takpe la kan. Hehe
Rasa bebas dan gembira seperti burung. Exam dah lulus, belajar dah habis, kerja dah ada. Almost complete, Alhamdulillah!
Take care, bye!
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